I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
