i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
