cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
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