Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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