Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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