So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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