Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize