I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
