Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
