Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
