I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
