I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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