mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
