I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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