guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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