bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
