why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
are you so shy because you have an std?
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
