my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
nutella sex= disaster
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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