Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Randomize