I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
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