Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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