I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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