She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
