11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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