I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize