Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
