now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
