If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
