some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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