Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I came so hard my ears popped.
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