YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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