He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
