Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
