my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
