Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
