margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
