I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
