It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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