I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
