I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
