I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
