6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize