I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
