chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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