3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
