My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
