yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
