During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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