apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
