I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
