Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I could fuck to npr.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
