he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
