Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
