I hate all girls vehemently.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
