Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize