I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
You don't make any sense
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