I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
