This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
